And by fire, we mean off the chain

They obviously haven’t had to study here. 

The ASS Library - incubating the corporate scumbags of the future

The ASS Library – incubating the corporate scumbags of the future

Everyone’s doing exams at the moment. Nobody (apart from actual psychopaths) likes exams, especially exams that require trekking all the way to Coombe Dingle, or to that football stadium, or to that shed by the fucking train station.

But everything is going to be ok. Just look at this chart here:

Proof that you're not actually as fucked as you thought you were.

Proof that you’re not actually as fucked as you thought you were

Do you know what this chart means?

Bristol is the seventh most targeted university for big companies, beating the likes of Sheffield and Glasgow into other, lower places on the same chart.

It means that top employers like Morgan Stanley, Tesco and BAE Systems want you to become a soulless corporate droid working 18-hour days before you eventually retire and die.

Who cares about teaching standards, class sizes, student satisfaction scores, availability of study spaces or having a proper end of year ball for once when this time next year you could be working for ExxonMobil?

If that thought doesn’t clear away the January exam blues nothing will. You’re welcome.

  • Lembit Opik

    This doesn’t bother you Will as you obivously intend to be an idiot hack journalist for life, disliked by everybody until you face a solitary retirement, shouting off the rooftops that you had once achieved the prestigious editorial position at the Bristol Tab.

    • JP Mor-cash-gan

      UWE student?

      • Lembit Opik

        No I am Lembit Opik, overseer of government. I went to Bristol University.

        • George Robb

          i thought your unemployed now mate?

    • Imagine

      if this was actually Lembit Opik commenting like this.

  • Imperial

    Imperial is not part of the University of London.

    • Be my BAE

      This is the kind of nitpicking that makes me convinced that you’re a smash hit with the opposite sex.

    • George Robb

      its part of star wars lol

  • Keep clinging to “On The Road”

    “Soulless corporate droid” – haven’t heard that since I was an angsty teenager with a schlid. Then I realised that bankers were actually quite clever, and could do more in life than writing for the Tab

    • #ambiguity

      There a chance, a small chance that he might have been joking, and in effect parodying the position that you think he is espousing. Or maybe he doesn’t want to suck JP Morgan’s gilded cock for the rest of his life… who knows?

      • Ha!

        Bet this is Will back-tracking… So what’s your answer Will? Is it a parody, or is it you showing your opposition to “soulless droids?” Or do you not have the spine to make a real conclusion?

  • Enquiry

    Why is Will Lloyd still editing the Tab? When do applications open? Gunna apply to save everyone from this shit

    • Voice of Reason

      You’re a cunt. Evidently if you wanted to apply, you’d have to write for the Tab currently.
      And the Tab has got hugely more popular since Lloyd took over, so yeah, everyone needs “saving from this shit”. If it is shit, stop reading it you fucking arse. Regards

      • Thanks for your feedback

        Hahah mate it wasn’t a real enquiry… Chump. But thanks for informing me of how I’d become editor of the Tab, I owe you one

    • George Robb

      Will Lloyd is such a twat, I talked to someone from his old school said one lesson in year 9 he actually pissed himself during history hahah what a loser, all the people laughed at him because he smelt of urine.

  • Will is too much of a tard

    What do you mean by ‘fire’ you absolute fucking tool, retard alert.

  • George Robb

    This is very good news Bristol is an excellent university with mostly excellent people(minus engineers & scientist ). I think Bristol would be top if we spent a little more on the art students considering how much we pay?, but good news anyway